Confrontation of freedom.

Music of the hour: The Band Perry (If I die young) 


Excuse my blog tonight, I've got a lot on my mind so it might be a little jumpy.

Two of my sisters and I have moved out recently for college. We're not too far away from home, just too far to drive everyday. I knew that when I moved out that it would be a whole new learning experience. And that we would mess up, but hopefully not too bad. I knew it would come with bills and responsibilities that I haven't had yet. I knew we would be confronted with sudden freedom. I knew that we would have to work through things, and it was definitely going to be different than living at home. 
We've had a little taste of all those the past few days. I'm definitely nervous about paying the bills and saving money. I've got my job, but it's a new thing to learn and it honestly makes me a little nervous too, nervous that I wont make enough money or I wont do it well. We haven't really had to work through any problems yet, i'm sure we're going to, but we all get along pretty well, so it'll probably be a little while before that happens. And, the confrontation of freedom has slightly come up. I know I have to explain, because you're thinking "what in the world is the confrontation of freedom?". It's like when any person moves out of the house, the first thing you think of is freedom. Right? It doesn't work quite that way for us. Not the freedom most people think of. We technically are able to do anything we want. I can listen to anything I want, talk to whoever I want, dress however I want, watch whatever I want, go wherever I want. But, I choose not to. That's the confrontation of freedom. Being able to, and knowing you can, but not doing it or doing it. I guess it really comes down to your own values and standards you've made personally. And although i'm keeping the same standards/rules/values that I had at home it's still hard sometimes knowing I am able to do what I like.
 I think true freedom is being able to choose clearly what you want to do and what you don't want to do and seeing the consequences of both. Not being strangled by the burden of having to choose the "right" things dictated by your parents. And Not just flying off the deep end doing whatever you like because all the sudden you don't have people there to tell you not to. Neither one of those sounds like really making a conscious decision. Both are made by something else. Whether we realize it or not. It's hard, because the normal thing to do, I think, is to try everything and do whatever we can because we have this opportunity to. It's hard to make the right decision. To sit back and look at all the costs of everything. To not rush into stuff because it looks fun, everyone else did it or is doing it, because it's the expected thing to do. It pulls at you. But it helps me to think about people around me watching to see what my next move it going to be. What decision will I make? What direction will I go? How will I turn out? I just have to remember that i'm being watched and followed. My decisions directly effect others. That's why I have to make the right ones. There is no confrontation of freedom with me, because true freedom is making decisions based on what's in my heart and what I know to be right and true and choosing that over being forced to or not choosing it because  I don't have to.

What i'm going to be thinking on --


 1 Peter 2:11-12 "Dear friends, I urge you to be aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong they may see your good deeds and glorify God."


Galatians 6: 9 " Do not let us become weary in doing good. For at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."


hearts- Gabrielle 

Wonderings.

Music of the hour : Josh Wilson, Mumford and Sons, Damien Rice, Between the trees, and a few others close to the same genre. 


I can't sleep. I hate it when I get a thought stuck in my head and it just keeps going and I can never get it out or I can't make myself not think about it and go to sleep. But what better way to let it go than to write it all out?
 I'm pretty sure we've all had people in our life that have come and gone.  I know it's a part of life, to have people come and go. Meeting new people, letting go of others. But for some reason I always think about a few certain people that have played a huge role in my life, who've helped shaped me into who I am, who seemed to have been there in some of the most critical points in my life, who I don't know how/who I would be if it wasn't for them. And yet, now, they're gone. Not dead, but no longer in these chapters of my life. I sometimes wonder if I played as big of a role in their life, or was I just a small portion that's now looked over and not really remembered. Do they ever think about me, or all the times we had together, the times of learning, and growing, and of love? Or am I just a faint memory that fades into all the other chapters of their life? It hurts sometimes to think about how they are gone now. The people that you always want in your life, that have meant the most to you, just walk away. And the feeling of helplessness, of not being able to do anything about it bothers me. 
I want to be able to fix everything, and make it all right, and change people. Maybe that's selfish. I don't know. Or maybe they were there for that period of life because you really needed them then. And now, since they are gone, you can be that person that they were, in someone else's life. Or maybe they were there for a season to teach you, and you've gained what you can from it. Nevertheless... it's still there in the back of my mind, "Do they ever wonder how I am, what i'm doing with my life?" or "Did I mean the same that they meant to me?". Maybe i'll never know, or possibly i'll come to some revelation in the future and understand it all. If I do, I'll be sure to share it. For now I guess I just have to be content with not knowing and being thankful for the moments that they were in my life. 


hearts- Gabrielle